Little Johnny

[ironcross77]

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard:

"One and one, the son-of-a-bi** is two."
"Two and two, the son-of-a-bi** is four."
"Three and three... "

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo taught him.

His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's classroom and confronted Ms. Margo. Little Johnny's mother told Ms. Margo about Little Johnny's different way of doing math, and his claims that Ms. Margo taught it that way to the class.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Little Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, Ms Margo exclaimed, "Oh, I know, here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."





A Gift for Teacher LJ00002

Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon to school, as a present for his teacher. He handed it to her.

She started to guess what was inside. "Chocolates?" she asked.

"Nope."

"A Cake?"

Johnny shook his head No.

Then the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box. She caught a few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth then said, "Ah, I know-dill pickles."

"No," Johnny said, "it's a puppy."





New Teacher LJ00003

A new teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed, she drops the eraser when she turns around, so she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out belly laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."






Abstract Logic LJ00004

The teacher was putting her class through a lesson in abstract logic.

"Now Johnny," she asked, "if a policeman found a watch on a tramp,what would you naturally infer about the watch?"

Johnny promptly replied,, "That it was on the bum."





Acting LJ00005

Little Johnny's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

Little Johnny enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."





10 Commandments LJ00006

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the ten commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat Little Johnny answered, "Thou shall not kill."





Addition LJ00007

Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?

Little Johnny: Big hands!





Alabama LJ00008

It was the first day of Third Grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes.

He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son."

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end.

That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son."

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed".

This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.

"No, Son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."





Alligator LJ00009

One day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen.

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"



Amen LJ00010

During a children's sermon the pastor asked the children what ’Amen’ means.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said: "It means... tha-tha-tha-that's all, folks!"

 

[ironcross77]

American History LJ00011

Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

Johnny: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."





Anatomy LJ00012

A teacher puts a photograph of a Tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat?

Little Mary has the first attempt and answers "By fur Miss?"

The teacher replies "Not quite right Mary, but a good try."

Meanwhile all during the lesson Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying "Me, Miss! Me, Miss!"

The next student the teacher picks is Peter, and he answers "Is it attached by skin Miss?"

The teacher replies. "Not quite right either, Peter, anybody else want to try?"

Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny "What do you think the tail is attached by?"

Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat I'd say it would have to be bolted on!"





Animal Game LJ00013

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is.

No one raises their hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?"

Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses.

"Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny not nice."





Animals LJ00014

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old son:

Mother: "What does the cow say?"

Little Johnny: "Moooo!"

Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"

Little Johnny: "Meow."

Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"

The wide-eyed little Johnny looked up at his mother and replied, "Bud."





Answers! LJ00015

The teacher, during an English lesson, asked the students: "Now tell me. What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"

Little Johnny in the back bench replied: "A teacher."





Anyone Home? LJ00016

A Salesman is trying to call a client. The phone rings and their little boy, named Little Johnny, in a whisper, says, "Hello."

Salesman: "Is your mommy there?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "Yes."

Salesman: "Can I speak with her?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "She's busy."

Salesman: "Is your daddy there?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "Yes."

Salesman: "Can I speak with him?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "He's busy."

Salesman: "Is there anyone else there?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "The fire department."

Salesman: "Can I talk to one of them?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "They're busy."

Salesman: "Is there anybody ELSE there?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "The police department."

Salesman: "Well, can I talk to one of THEM?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "They're busy."

Salesman: "Let me get this straight: your mother, your father, the fire department AND the police department are ALL in your house, and they're ALL busy. WHAT are they doing?"

Little Johnny: (whisper) "They're looking for me."





Appendectomy LJ00017

Five-year-old Little Johnny answered the door when the census taker came by. He told the census taker that his daddy was a doctor and wasn't home because he was performing an appendectomy.

"My," said the census taker, "that sure is a big word for such a little boy. Do you know what it means?"

"Sure! Fifteen-hundred bucks, and that doesn't even include the anesthesiologist!"





Apple Juice LJ00018

Two little girls are playing with a ball in the garden. The ball rolls under a nearby bush so Little Susie crawls under to get it out. Unfortunately it's a thorn bush, so she gets a rose thorn stuck in her finger.

Crying, she runs indoors shouting "Mommy, Mommy, I've got a thorn in my finger! Get some apple juice!"

Mum says: "But why do you want apple juice? Wouldn't a bandage be nicer?"

Susie says : "Well, I was playing with Rosie, and her big sister says that whenever she gets a prick in her hand she puts it in cider."





Artist LJ00019

Little Johnny drew a fly on the class grade book. Miss Baker saw the fly sitting on the notebook and slammed it with a ruler. The fly didn't fly away. So she slammed the log once again, again the fly didn't fly away. This drove Miss Baker really mad, so she started to pound the log with the ruler and, as a result, the grade book became a bunch of torn sheets of paper. With the class laughing, she realized what had happened.

Then Miss Baker called Little Johnny's father to school. "You see what your son did to our class grade book?" she said.

"That's nothing." replied the father. "Last month, he drew a naked woman on a fence and then, for two weeks straight, I had to pull splinters out of my dick."





Asking God LJ00020

Mother told her Little Johnny to go to bed and be sure to say his prayers and ask God to make him a good boy.

Little Johnny's father,passing by the bedroom, overheard his son praying: "And make me a good boy if You can; and if You can't, don't worry about it, 'cause I'm having fun the way I am."

 

[ironcross77]

Aunt Tess LJ00021

Little Johnny said to his Aunt Tess, "My God, you're ugly, aren't you!"

His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen.

"You naughty boy!" she screamed, "How can you say to your aunt that she's ugly! You go right in and apologize to her! Tell her you're sorry!"

Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, "Aunt Tess, I am sorry you're so ugly."





Automobiles LJ00022

The teacher spent the entire hour reading to her class about the bison family. When she had finished, she said, "Name some things that are very dangerous to get near to and have horns."

Little Johnny spoke up without hesitation: "Automobiles!"





Babies LJ00023

Two babies were sat in their prams, when one baby, Little Johnny shouted to the other: "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"

"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.

"What do you mean, you don't know?" said Little Baby Johnny.

"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said little baby Johnny chuckling. "I'll climb into your pram and find out."

He carefully maneuvered himself into the other baby's pram, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl, and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," said the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the little baby Johnny, "you've got pink booties and I've got blue ones!"





Baby Brother LJ00024

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"

His mother says, "Heaven, Johnny."

Johnny says, "Geez, I can see why they threw him out."





Baby LJ00025

Little Johnny asks an expecting woman: "What is in your tummy ?"

"My baby!"

"Do you love him!"

"You betcha!"

"Why did you eat him then?"





Babysitting LJ00026

Little Johnny was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.

Little Johnny said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."





Bad Kids LJ00027

At Sunday school, the teacher asked little Johnny, "Do you know where little boys and girls go when they do bad things?"

"Sure," little Johnny replied. "They go out in back of the church yard."





Baked Beans LJ00028

One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.

He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.

The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes. The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnny's mother and said, "Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?"

Jane replied, "Nothing new, why do you ask?"

"Well," said Mary, "this morning I bent over to feed the cat and shot the canary."





Anatomy LJ00029

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his at dad breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny,those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."

Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!"

His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"

"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!"





Baptism LJ00030

A father is in church with his young children, including his five-year-old son, Little Johnny. As was customary, he sat in the very front row so that the children could properly witness the service.

During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. Little Johnny was taken by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.

With a quizzical look on his face, Little Johnny turned to his father and asked: "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"


Bargaining LJ00031

Little Johnny wants to do it with his teacher but she always refuses. One day, finally he suggests "Ok how about if I gave you $1 million, would you do it?"

The teacher, in an attempt to end it all replies a bit amused "With a $1 million? Sure I'll do it with you."

Little Johnny: "How about for 50 bucks?"

Teacher: "Hold it there young man what do you think I am?"

Little Johnny: "I know what you are. I'm just bargaining on the price."

 

[ironcross77]

Barnyard Learning LJ00032

A man was helping one of his cows give birth when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great, he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed Little Johnny. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"





Bathroom Etiquette LJ00033

Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden he needed to go to the bathroom.

He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're-an-eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"





Bathroom Instruction LJ00034

The teacher of a first grade class gives instructions to the little boys on how to go to the bathroom.

The teacher tells them the following:
One - unzip your zipper
Two - pull your pecker out
Three - stroke the skin back
Four - take a pee
Five - stroke the skin forward
Six - put it away and zip up the zipper

So the boys go to do their thing and return a few minutes later. The teacher asks, "Where is Little Johnny?"

One of the boys replies "He is still in the bathroom."

The teacher goes down the hall to the boy's restroom and hears Little Johnny "Three, Five, Three, Five, Three, Five............"





Be Kind To Animals LJ00035

Little Johnny's father wakes him up one morning and says "Johnny, go feed the animals as I am late and must take a shower."

Little Johnny who is now angry gets out of bed and walks past his mother who is making breakfast in the kitchen. Johnny gathers the food for the chicken, pig, and cow. First, Johnny kicks the chicken and drops it's feed in its feeder. Second, Johnny walks up to the pig, kicks it, and drops its slop in it's trough. Third, Johnny walks up, kicks the cow, and gives the cow it's food.

Meanwhile, his mother can see all of what Johnny is doing from the kitchen. Johnny walks back to the house and enters the kitchen. Johnny's mother says, "Johnny, I saw what you did and for kicking the chicken, you will have no eggs for breakfast, for kicking the pig, you will have no bacon. For kicking the cow, you will have no milk."

Meanwhile, Johnny's father walks down the stairs and trips over the cat and nearly falls. Johnny's father walks up and kicks the cat. Johnny looks at his mother and says "Should I tell him what he's not going to have or are you?"





Beans LJ00036

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".

"My father grows beans," said one student.

"My father cooks beans," said another.

Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."





Beautiful Vase LJ00037

"Mummy,Mummy", said Little Johnny one day, "do you know the beautiful vase in the dining room that's been handed down from generation to generation ?"

"Yes", said his mother. "What about it?"

"Well the last generation just dropped it."





Adding LJ00038

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.'

He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."

The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"

Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."

Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."

"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"

Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."





Belly Button LJ00039

One day a 5th grade class was taking a field trip but the weather was extremely bad and the trip was to be delayed and they had to stay in a hotel for the night. So Little Johnny was sleeping in the same room as his teacher.

In the middle of the night the teacher woke up and was frightened by the sight of Alex standing right over her. He asked if he could sleep with her cause he couldn't sleep.

She said okay, then Johnny asked to lay a little closer and she said okay. Then he asked if he could put his finger in her belly button and she said "NO"

"But my mommy lets me do it when I can't sleep and it helps."

So the teacher says, "Okay fine, do whatever your mom lets you do."

A few minutes later the teacher says "OH.that's not my bellybutton."And Johnny says, "that's not my finger."





Berlin Wall LJ00040

In the class room, the teacher asks. "Who destroyed Berlin's wall?"

No one of her student can answer this question. They all keep silent. Then the teacher turns her face to Little Johnny. "Johnny ?"

"No, I didn't !!!!" exclaimed Little Johnny.

"How rude you are to answer me like that !" The teacher then writes a letter to Little Johnny's father and asks him to come to her office to discuss his son's behavior.

The next morning, Little Johnny's father comes and meets the teacher in her office. The teacher tells the story to Johnny's father but to your surprise, Johnny's father responds like this : "Well, if he was the one, he would honestly tell so!"

 

[Tyler]

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