Good Joke

[jahought]

Renee Descartes walked into a bar. Bar tended offered him a drink, to which Descartes replies "I think not." And he disappeared.

 

[reichiru]

That took me a while to get it, but I understand it now. I don't think it's that funny.

 

[ichwar]

uhh, I didn't get that. was that supposed to be a joke or something???

ok, I think I have a better one:

The CEO of KFC goes to the pope one day and offers him $1 million to change the Lord's prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' The pope refuses.
The next day, the CEO offers the pope $10 million. Again, the pope refused.
The third day, the CEO offered the pope $20 million. This time, the pope accepts.
The next day, the pope calls a meetting with all his roman catholic officals. When everyone has gathered, he says to them: "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that we are getting a check for $20 million. The bad news is that we lost our Wonder Bread contract."

 

[Kayos]

uhh, I didn't get that. was that supposed to be a joke or something???

ok, I think I have a better one:

The CEO of KFC goes to the pope one day and offers him $1 million to change the Lord's prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' The pope refuses.
The next day, the CEO offers the pope $10 million. Again, the pope refused.
The third day, the CEO offered the pope $20 million. This time, the pope accepts.
The next day, the pope calls a meetting with all his roman catholic officals. When everyone has gathered, he says to them: "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that we are getting a check for $20 million. The bad news is that we lost our Wonder Bread contract."

lol, that's a good joke.

The original joke pretty much alludes me.


Here's a joke:

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years.

After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say.

“You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

 

[tridge]

I don't get the "Good Joke" part of that sentence..I don't even know who Renee Descartes is and I also don't know why having being asked for a drink would make whoever Renee Descartes is disappear.

Please explain.

Okay... He has been dubbed the "Father of Modern Philosophy", what does this have to do with a drink in a bar?

 

[ichwar]

lol, that's a good joke.

The original joke pretty much alludes me.


Here's a joke:

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years.

After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, “Bad food.” They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. “I quit,” he says. “That’s not surprising,” the elders say.

“You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

Nice joke.

Here's another one:
A bus load of politicians is driving down a country road one day, when it all of a sudden swerves off the road and crashes into a barn.
The farmer working in the field comes over to see what happened. After assessing the situation, he buries everyone and cleans up the mess.
The next day, a sherrif stops by and asked the farmer if he knows where all the politicians went off to.
The farmer told him what had happened the day before.
The sherrif said, "wow, were they all dead?"
The farmer replied: "well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how those crooked politicians lie."

 

[Fahad]

lol, nice ichwar.

Mozart Beyond the Grave
from Joke of the Day
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
Edit:
No, wait, I got a better one:

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company
from Joke of the Day

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

 

[tonyopen]

I like the Descartes joke

 

[ichwar]

lol, nice ichwar.

Mozart Beyond the Grave
from Joke of the Day
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the town magistrate to come and listen to it.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."
Edit:
No, wait, I got a better one:

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company
from Joke of the Day

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady.

He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Nice, fahad, I really really liked the first one!

Here's another one:

Dick Cheney walked into the oval office one day to hear Bush hollering a hooting. He said, 'Mr. President, what's the matter?'
Bush said, that puzzle said 3-5 years on the box, but I finished it in less than two months!
Edit:
Alright, I've got a suggestion. Let's see who's the first person to run out of jokes. If you post a joke in this thread, you're in. If 10 posts go by with out you posting a joke, you're out!
Any one who wants to try this, just start posting! And we'll see what happens.
Edit:
So, I'll start:

A doctor, a lawyer, and a pastor, go out hunting together one day.
As they're walking through the woods, they all three see a deer, they all raise their guns, and they all fire at the exact same moment. And the deer drops down dead. Then, they get to arguing over which persons bullet killed the deer.
The doctor says: "I know a bit about animals, so I'll go over and examine the deer and I'll tell you what I find."
He walks over and examines the deer, then comes back and reports that it was the pastor's bullet that killed the deer.
The lawyer angrily asks how he could possibly tell that.
The doctor says: "Because the bullet went in one ear and out the other."

 

[woiwky]

Alright, I've got a suggestion. Let's see who's the first person to run out of jokes. If you post a joke in this thread, you're in. If 10 posts go by with out you posting a joke, you're out!
Any one who wants to try this, just start posting! And we'll see what happens.

Not to let a good idea go to waste, I'll continue it.

This is one of my favorites:

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for Christmas, but they had not been dating very long. After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to the store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked very sharp. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night."

All my love.

P.S- it is the latest trend to wear them a bit rolled up as to show a little fur!

 

[infurTH]

I don't get that

 

[ichwar]

Q

Not to let a good idea go to waste, I'll continue it.

This is one of my favorites:

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for Christmas, but they had not been dating very long. After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to the store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked very sharp. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night."

All my love.

P.S- it is the latest trend to wear them a bit rolled up as to show a little fur!

lol, I got that!

Ok,

There is a line of people standing at the gates of heaven, but St. Peter won't let them in. He tells them: "Sorry, but heaven is almost full, you can't all fit in. So we're only going to let in those who died the worst deaths."

One man pipes up:
"St. Peter, as I was coming home from work one day, I was walking down the long corridor in the appartment building, and I came to my doorway, and I was shocked to find it standing open. I immediately concluded that a theif must have broken in and I rushed into my appartment in the hopes of catching him.
I searched all over my house and then I heard a man yelling from my back porch. I rushed out onto the balcony, and I saw a man hanging from the railing and yelling. I immediately ran and grabbed a hammer and came back and pounded on his fingers until he let go and fell down several stories to the ground, but unfortunately, he landed in a bush, and he didn't get killed, so I rushed into my house grabbed my refrigerator, and rushed back out side and threw it over the railing and it landed on the theif and killed him. But after that ordeal, I had a heart attack and died."

A second man chimed in:
"St. Peter, I was riding my exercycle out on my back balcony, and by accident, I flipped over the railing and I was sure I was going to get killed, but fortunately, I caught onto another railing below me while I was falling. I held on with all my might, and I started to call for help. A man ran out of his appartment and seeing me, he grabbed a hammer, and started pounding my fingers until I let go, and I fell down to the ground, and I was sure I was going to die. But, I landed in a bush, and I was just getting out of the bush when a refrigerator landed on me and killed me."

A third man cried out:
"St. Peter, I died a worse death, I broke into a man's appartment, and was searching around for his computer and other valuables, when I heard the man come in. I immediately ran, and hid in his refrigerator."

 

[woiwky]

lol I really didn't see that ending coming.

Here's another:

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

 

[ichwar]

hmmm. That seems a little streched for a joke, but it's alright.

here's another one:
You've probably all heard this, but I'm going to tell it anyways, 'cause I really like it...

A man from france comes over to america to learn english. He wants to learn to speak english as soon as possible, so, as soon as he gets of the plane, he go the opera building. There, he hears one of the singers singing: 'mememememememeeeeeeeeee'.
So, he tries to copy him: 'mememememememeeeeeeeeee'. Then, he goes to the candy shop. In there, he hears a little boy say: 'He stoll my lolipop'. So, the man copies him: 'He stoll my lolipop'. Then, he goes out into the street, and he saw a police man standing over another man lying dead on the ground. The police man asks him: "Who killed this man?" The french man says: "mememememememeeeeeeeeee." The police man says: "Why?" The man replies: "He stole my lolipop."

 

[woiwky]

I think I have heard that one before, but it's been a long time. Still gave me a good laugh.

How about this one:

There's this guy who wants to be a bell ringer, but he doesn't have any arms.

The priest who is looking for a good bell ringer says, "You can't ring the bells. You don't have any arms."

"I don't need arms," says the bell-ringing guy. "Watch this." And he runs up the bell tower and starts bouncing his face off the bells and making beautiful music.

So the bell-ringing guy goes to finish his song with one last smack of his face, but this time he misses the bell and falls right out of the tower. He lands on the ground and is knocked out. A large crowd gathers around him."Who is this guy?" someone asks.

"I don't know his name," says the priest. "But his face rings a bell."

 

[kevaljd]

Lol

 

[ichwar]

I think I have heard that one before, but it's been a long time. Still gave me a good laugh.

How about this one:

There's this guy who wants to be a bell ringer, but he doesn't have any arms.

The priest who is looking for a good bell ringer says, "You can't ring the bells. You don't have any arms."

"I don't need arms," says the bell-ringing guy. "Watch this." And he runs up the bell tower and starts bouncing his face off the bells and making beautiful music.

So the bell-ringing guy goes to finish his song with one last smack of his face, but this time he misses the bell and falls right out of the tower. He lands on the ground and is knocked out. A large crowd gathers around him."Who is this guy?" someone asks.

"I don't know his name," says the priest. "But his face rings a bell."

hehe, I like that one!

 

[goldblue]

interesting!

 

[ichwar]

Here's another one:

A Soldier, a Lawyer, and a Pastor are in a hot-air balloon one day when something goes wrong, and the balloon starts to go down very fast into a town. To save their lives, they decide to each through something out so that they can lighten the load and make it to their landing field.
So, Lawyer throws out his briefcase, the pastor throws out his bible, and the soldier throws out his hand-grenade.
That lightens the load, and the balloon rises back up into the sky, and they get safely to their landing.

Later that day, they all three were walking through the town that they had almost crashed into.
The pastor saw a boy crying on his doorstep, and went over to him and asked him why he was crying. The boy said: "I was just walking down the street and a Bible fell out of the sky and hit me on the head." The pastor offered the boy his most sincere condolences.
The lawyer saw another boy walking down the street sobbing. The lawyer went up to him and asked him why he was crying. The boy said: "I was just walking down the street, minding my own business, when a briefcase fell out of the sky and hit me on the head." The lawyer expressed his condolences, and hastily walked away.
The soldier saw a boy standing in the middle of the street, laughing for all he was worth. The solder went up the boy and asked him why he was laughing so hard. The boy said: "The village bullies were chasing me down an alley when I heard a loud Kaboom, and I looked behind me and there was nothing but a large hole in the ground!"

 

[Criptex]

Not to let a good idea go to waste, I'll continue it.

This is one of my favorites:

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for Christmas, but they had not been dating very long. After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to the store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked very sharp. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year! I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night."

All my love.

P.S- it is the latest trend to wear them a bit rolled up as to show a little fur!

-Hilarious.

Heres my joke:

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now."

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"