Need help :(
- Thread starter thowhe83
- Start date
Start by learning ventriloquism. Go to your nearest local bookstore and pick up "Practical Ventriloquism" by Robert Ganthony. Read past the racist language and perfect your art. Make a sock puppet with black button eyes, red yarn arms and a felt mustache to practice with. Name it "Lord Flavius Ground Pepper" and take it to bed with you every night, eat breakfast with it every morning (but never lunch nor dinner).
Once you've mastered ventriloquism, go in hunt of a dummy that properly embodies your inner monologue. Go to every swap-meet, flea market and second hand store you can until you eventually discover a cross-eyed, grinning sommelier dummy at an estate auction. Stick Lord Flavius Ground Pepper in a box at the back of your closet and forget him.
With your sommelier dummy (named "Randy Peoples"), go on a self-promoted tour of the nation's duck ponds, living entirely off the bread that people feed to the ducks. It's on this trip in a small town with a name that means "goose-bag-water" if translated into Pumpokol that you should run an impromptu trivia contest, during the course of which you simultaneously discover and face your fear of forgetting your third grade teacher's name.
Pronounce the runner-up the winner because he will offer you a place in his traveling road show and oil rig. After a world-wide tour that leaves you rich beyond care, retire to a villa in Manitoba with a small staff where you'll live out the rest of your days with Randy Peoples, until one fall day he will mysteriously go missing, along with your gardener. Randy will turn up next spring in nearby Drunken Lake, apparently having committed suicide after tying a brass section around his neck. The gardener will never reappear.
