The DEFINITIVE JOKE thread

Slothie · Nov 1, 2007

SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don't forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

A South American scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now. It's too late

Yarfapet · Nov 1, 2007

I Will Not Torture my cat. (From a kid in detention, writing sentences on the board)

I Will Not Torture my cat. I will not shave my cat bald.I will not drop kick him into my neighbor's pool. I will not use him as a hood ornament. Cats do not make good bowling balls. Catapults are not made for cats. Dropping my cat in a wood chipper is not an alternative to grooming. Cats are not pinatas. My cat would not like a close-up of a home-run-bat. Jalapeños are not part of a cat's diet. I will not use my cat as a sewage tank. I will not super-glue my cat to a cruise-liner. I will not tie bottle rockets to my cats tail or feet. I will not duck-tape my cat to the ceiling fan. My cat does not want to play with the enraged bulldog across the street. Cat are not "battery powered". A washing machine is also not an alternative to grooming. Cats were not meant to be hammer thrown. "Flushing" my cat is cruel. I will not nuder my cat with a shish-cabob ( I have no idea how thats spelled). Cats are not authorized to use jet packs. I will forget everything I wrote here and buy another can of glue, and glue my cat to the principal.

littlelady · Nov 2, 2007

LAWS OF THE NATURAL UNIVERSE

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of Probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

Law of the Bath:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Law of the Theatre:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

BRILLIANT WAYS GIRLS TURN GUYS DOWN!!

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?
SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must have been given your share!!!

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!

HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?
SHE: I've already seen it!!!

HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?
SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!

HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
SHE: Yes, thats why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.

TO ALL WOMEN IN NEED OF SOME LAUGHS (and men who may appreciate good humour)

arsonistx · Nov 2, 2007

Yarfapet said:
I Will Not Torture my cat. (From a kid in detention, writing sentences on the board)

I Will Not Torture my cat. I will not shave my cat bald.I will not drop kick him into my neighbor's pool. I will not use him as a hood ornament. Cats do not make good bowling balls. Catapults are not made for cats. Dropping my cat in a wood chipper is not an alternative to grooming. Cats are not pinatas. My cat would not like a close-up of a home-run-bat. Jalapeños are not part of a cat's diet. I will not use my cat as a sewage tank. I will not super-glue my cat to a cruise-liner. I will not tie bottle rockets to my cats tail or feet. I will not duck-tape my cat to the ceiling fan. My cat does not want to play with the enraged bulldog across the street. Cat are not "battery powered". A washing machine is also not an alternative to grooming. Cats were not meant to be hammer thrown. "Flushing" my cat is cruel. I will not nuder my cat with a shish-cabob ( I have no idea how thats spelled). Cats are not authorized to use jet packs. I will forget everything I wrote here and buy another can of glue, and glue my cat to the principal.

HAHAHA! These are hilarious. That's pretty funny.

manzoor · Nov 3, 2007

Yarfapet said:
Being A Teacher

Once there was a man named Nathan. He wanted very much to be a teacher. So he went to seek the advice of the wisest, most highly respected counselor in the land.

"Wise counselor," Nathan began, "it has always been my dream to be a teacher. I want to stimulate the minds of the young people of our land. I want to lead them down the road of knowledge. Please tell me the secret of becoming a teacher."

"Your goal is a commendable one, Nathan. However, it is also a very difficult one to achieve. First you must overcome three major obstacles."

"I am ready to meet the challenge," answered Nathan bravely.

"First you must swim the Sea of Children," directed the knowing counselor.

Nathan started off to swim the Sea of Children. First he had to learn their 38 names. He had to send the line cutters to the end of the line. He made the paper throwers stay after school to clean the room.

He commanded the name callers, pushers, and punchers to apologize to their victims. He gave M&M's to those who finished assignments and stars to those who were sitting in their seats quietly. Nathan checked passes to see how many children were in the bathroom. And he tracked down students who were gone longer than was necessary. He arranged the desks in alphabetical order, then boy-girl, boy-girl, and finally into small groups of four. He lined his children up for physical education and music and library and lunch. Then he stifled a cry when the secretary came into the room with number 39. Tired and shaken but still undefeated, Nathan returned to the counselor for his second task.

"You are a very determined lad," said the advisor. "However, now you must climb the Mountain of Paperwork."

Nathan set out at once. He wrote objectives and drew up lesson plans.

He made out report cards and graded papers. He filled out accident reports, attendance reports and withdrawal reports. He completed inventories, evaluations, surveys, and request forms. Finally, he made dittos and more dittos. He ran them off until he was purple in the face. But the courageous boy's resolve never dwindled. He went to the wise counselor for his third task.

"You are indeed very strong, Nathan. But this third task will take all the courage you can muster. You must now cross the country of Duties and Committees."

At first Nathan was hesitant. But his convictions remained steadfast. He began his long journey across the country of Duties and Committees.

Nathan took lunch duty, bus duty, and recess duty. He was on the social committee, patrol committee, and the faculty advisory committee. He was the adult supervisor of the student government and ran the United Fund and Easter Seal drives. He went to PTA meetings, NRA meetings, SST meetings, School Site meetings, and in-service workshops. He organized bicentennial programs, talent shows, and book drives. Finally, he was elected the building representative of the union. At last Nathan reached the outskirts of Duties and Committees.

Exhausted but happy, he returned to the knowledgeable counselor.

"I swam the Sea of Children. I climbed the Mountain of Paperwork. I crossed the country of Duties and Committees," Nathan proclaimed. "Am I not worthy of the title of Teacher?"

"Why, Nathan," began the counselor, "you have been a teacher all along."

Nathan protested, "But I have not stimulated any minds. I have not guided anyone down the road to knowledge, I have not had any time to teach"

"Oh, you say you want to TEACH! I thought you said you wanted to be a teacher. That is a completely different story!!
-----------------------------

Why Teachers Get Headaches

Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.
George: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
Class: George!

Teacher: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
Willy: Me!

Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Billy: No, I'm Billy Anderson.

Teacher: Alfred, how can one person make so many mistakes in one day?
Alfred: I get up early.

Teacher: Didn't you promise to behave?
Student: Yes, sir.
Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
Student: Yes, sir, but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.

Teacher: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
Tommy: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.

Harold: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not.
Harold: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

Teacher: Why are you late?
Webster: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Webster: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." That's what I did.

Teacher: Bob, I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.
Bob: I hope you didn't either.

Gary: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.
Teacher: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
Junior: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Junior: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

Sylvia: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Father: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Sylvia: Your name on this report card.

Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
Father: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

nice

gwuapo2007 · Nov 3, 2007

Q: Why couldn't the blond pass her drivers test?

A: Every time the car stopped she jumped in the backseat.

------------------------------------------------
The joke is:

The Technologically Challenged

Just in case you think YOU are TC (technologically challenged), there's
still hope:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key
is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse
was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to
be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining
that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old
(5-1/4") diskettes. After troubleshooting for magnets and heat
failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer
had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter
to type the labels.
4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
with photocopies of the floppies.
5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy
back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to
hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and going
across the room to close the door.
6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer
to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician
discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it
in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and
water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys
and washing them individually.
8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The
tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents.
He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find
printer." The user had even tried turning the computer screen to
face the printer - but his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10.An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was
plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed
the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot
pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the
mouse!
11.Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her
brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit,
plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to
happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch,
she asked "What power switch?"
12.True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am.
Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show?
How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark
on it?"
Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
promotion. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he
couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been
using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and
snapped it off the drive.
13.Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang
for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to
put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk, but I
squeezed it in. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't
even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2"
meant to remove Disk 1 first.

Slothie · Nov 13, 2007

The two doctors

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.

So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
Edit:
Nobody around here but me

Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.

"Father, I am sinful."

"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."

"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."

"Father, last week I went to my grilfriend's office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."

"That's not very good of you."

"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."

"Father? ... Father?"

Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.

"Father? Where are you?"

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

"Father, why are you hiding here?"

"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."

manzoor · Nov 13, 2007

Slothie said:
The two doctors

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." The woman doctor agrees to it.

So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. " You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
Edit:
Nobody around here but me

Once, there was a man who was so upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.

"Father, I am sinful."

"Yes, son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."

"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."

"Father, last week I went to my grilfriend's office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."

"That's not very good of you."

"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."

"Father? ... Father?"

Suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.

"Father? Where are you?"

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.

"Father, why are you hiding here?"

"Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."

LoL nice ones

Slothie · Nov 13, 2007

Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to a sex therapist who promised to only take their case if he knew he could help them. After hours of tests, he agreed he could help. He told them to stop at the store on the way home and buy donuts and grapes. Mrs. Smith was to toss the donuts at Mr.Smith's erection and eat the ones that stayed on. Mr.Smith was to roll the grapes across the floor and eat the ones that became lodged in Mrs. Smith's love canal.

A few weeks later, the Jones came to see the doctor. "Our friends the Smiths told us to come to you." they said.

The doctor ran the tests and came back to the Jonses. He told them he was sorry but there was just nothing he could do. The Jonses said "You helped the Smiths, why won't you help us?"

After continued begging from the Jonses, the doc said "ok, ok ... stop by the market on the way home and buy a box of Cheerios and a bag of oranges."

Slothie · Nov 18, 2007

Damaged Car

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage to the bonnet. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper.

"Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not. Cya!"

shaunak · Nov 19, 2007

Cool insults for immediate use!

1. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
2. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
4. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?
5. At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face!
6. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing
7. Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!
8. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.
9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
10. If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!
11. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
12. Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?
13. Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
14. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
15. Don't think, it may sprain your brain!
16. Fellows like you don't grow from trees; they swing from them.
17. He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.
18. He has a mind like a steel trap-always closed!
19. You are a man of the world-and you know what sad shape the world is in.
20. He is always lost in thought-it's unfamiliar territory.
21. He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.
22. He is known as a miracle comic. if he's funny, it's a miracle!
23. He is listed in Who's Who as What's That?
24. He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
25. He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.
26. He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
27. How come you're here? I thought the zoo is closed at night!
28. How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
29. How much refund do you expect on your head now that it's empty.
30. How would you like to feel the way you look?
31. Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
33. I don't want you to turn the other cheek; it's just as ugly.
34. I don't know who you are, but whatever you are, I'm sure everyone will agree with me.
35. I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
36. I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
37. I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me!
38. I don't even like the people you're trying to imitate, if you are at all.
39. I know you were born silly, but why did you have a relapse?
40. I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!
41. I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!
42. I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!
43. Why are you so stupid today? Anyway, I think that's very typical of you.
44. You are so dumb that you did not notice that there was no number '32' and this is actually the 43rd insult.

Hello World !

How the way people code "Hello World" varies depending on their age and job:
High School/Jr.High
10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END

First year in College
program Hello(input, output)
begin
writeln('Hello World')
end.

Senior year in College
(defun hello
(print
(cons 'Hello (list 'World))))

New professional
#include <stdio.h>

void main(void)
{
char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"};
int i;
for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i)
printf("%s", message);
printf("\n");
}

Seasoned professional
#include <iostream.h>
#include <string.h>
class string
{
private:
int size;
char *ptr;
public:
string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {}
string(const string &s) : size(s.size)
{
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, s.ptr);
}
~string()
{
delete [] ptr;
}
friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &);
string &operator=(const char *);
};

ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s)
{
return(stream << s.ptr);
}
string &stringerator=(const char *chrs)
{
if (this != &chrs)
{
delete [] ptr;
size = strlen(chrs);
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, chrs);
}
return(*this);
}
int main()
{
string str;
str = "Hello World";
cout << str << endl;
return(0);
}

System Administrator
#include <stdio.h>
#include <stdlib.h>
main()
{
char *tmp;
int i=0;
/* on y va bourin */
tmp=(char *)malloc(1024*sizeof(char));
while (tmp="Hello Wolrd"[i++]);
/* Ooopps y'a une infusion ! */
i=(int)tmp[8];
tmp[8]=tmp[9];
tmp[9]=(char)i;
printf("%s\n",tmp);
}

Apprentice Hacker
#!/usr/local/bin/perl
$msg="Hello, world.\n";
if ($#ARGV >= 0) {
while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) {
$outfilename = $arg;
open(FILE, ">" . $outfilename) || die "Can't write $arg: $!\n";
print (FILE $msg);
close(FILE) || die "Can't close $arg: $!\n";
}
} else {
print ($msg);
}
1;

Experienced Hacker
#include <stdio.h>
#include <string.h>
#define S "Hello, World\n"
main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);}

Seasoned Hacker
% cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c
% a.out
Hello, world.

Guru Hacker
% cat
Hello, world.

New Manager (do you remember?)
10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END

Middle Manager
mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12
Bob, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello, world."?
I need it by tomorrow.
^D

Senior Manager
% zmail jim
I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon.

Chief Executive
% letter
letter: Command not found.
% mail
To: ^X ^F ^C
% help mail
help: Command not found.
% damn!
!: Event unrecognized
% logout

Research Scientist
PROGRAM HELLO
PRINT *, 'Hello World'
END

Older research Scientist
WRITE (6, 100)
100 FORMAT (1H ,11HHELLO WORLD)
CALL EXIT
END

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0
and noticed a slow down in the performance of flower
and jewellry applications that had operated flawlessly
under Boyfriend 5.0

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other
valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed
undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6
simply crashes the system. I've tried running NAGGING
5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I
do?

Desperate
***************************

[REPLY]

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment
package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and
install Tears 6.2.

Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and
Flowers 7.0.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence
2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Television 6.1. Television 6.1 is a very bad program

that will create Loud noises ( WAV files) and does not get deleted.

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Cheerfulness 2.0.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

shaunak · Nov 19, 2007

My last post exceeded the word limit so here i go again in a new post........

Top Ten Reasons Computers Are Male

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shinny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter.

Top 10 Signs that You've Overdosed on The World Wide Web

Your opening line is: "So, what's your homepage address?"
You see a beautiful sunset, and you half-expect to see "Enhanced for Netscape 4.0" on one of the clouds.
You are overcome with disbelief, anger, and finally depressed acceptance when you encounter a Webpage with no links.
You felt driven to consult the "Cool Page of the Day" on your wedding day.
Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
You are driving on a dark and rainy night when you hydroplane on a puddle, sending your car careening towards the flimsy guardrail that separates you the precipice of a rocky cliff and certain death, and you desperately look for the "Back" button.
You visit "The Really Big Button That Doesn't Do Anything" again and again and again.
Your dog has his own webpage.
So does your hamster.
When you read a magazine, you have an irresistible urge to click on the underlined passages.

You know you are an Internet Junkie when...

When asked to your address, your answer begins with http://
Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.
You chat with your fingers, not your mouth.
You use Netscape 4.72, and you check every week whether version 4.73 was released.
You know the difference between Java and Javascript.
Most of your friends have an @ in their names.
In order to watch CNN you move to www.cnn.com
On your business card the e-mail appears before the phone number.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You can perfectly imitate the sound pattern of your modem connecting to your ISP.
You can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than : -).
You are told about a new program, and you are disappointed to find that it is a TV program.
Not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your network address faster than your postal one.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

Some New Error Messages Planned for Microsoft Windows Vista !!!

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9) Windows message: You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?
10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log out"
11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key.
14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot BJP? (Y/N)
15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
1 Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER.
20) User Error: Replace user.
21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)"
22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

shaunak · Nov 19, 2007

Again i managed to exceed the word limit so another post......

Ques. 1 : What is RED and goes TRING TRING TRING ????

Scroll Down for answer

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A TOMATO....... AND THE TRING TRING TRING WAS TO CONFUSE YOU......

Teacher -Student Jokes
=====
Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it".
=====

Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colours do you have?"
=====

My grand-father is so old that when he was in school,
history was called current affairs.
=====

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
=====

Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed again?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".
=====

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
=====

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
=====

Teacher : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."
=====

Reasons why regular cars are far superior than Formula One racing cars

No door... I mean, people have to climb in. Actually, ANYBODY can climb in and steal it. Pffft!

No roof... The people who drive these things are left open to the elements. Like, even convertible cars have something you can pull over your head.

No radio (AM and FM), no cassette nor CD player... how boring it must be to drive in those things for close to two hours without having anything to listen to.

No heating... Being left open to the elements, the drivers' toes must become very cold after a while.

No coffee cup holder... Those guys can spill all the hot (and dangerous stuff) over themselves. What with them steering with one hand and trying to drink with the other.

No ashtrays and electric lighter...

No windshield wipers... and they expect them to race in the rain?

No windshields... Well, I guess no. 7 and 8 go hand in hand.

No turn signals... How can they indicate they intend to pass?

No headlights... No wonder they only drive in the day time.

Only one brake light...

Only one seat... How can a guy go necking with his girlfriend at the local drive in?

No anchor for a baby seat... And they are trying to make us believe that safety comes first?

No trunk...

No adjustable seats... (mine goes back and forth, and can be tilted as well)

High fuel consumption...

Engines that don't last...

Tyres that just wear off in no time flat...

Where's the bloody ignition? I guess it's back to the old Model T days when the cars had to be crank started.

More Stuff in my mail:'

Code:

Count every " F" in the following text: 
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE 
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI 
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH 
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS... 

(SEE BELOW) 
HOW MANY ? 








WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke. 
READ IT AGAIN ! 
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down. 

The reasoning 
The brain cannot process "OF".
Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius. 
Three is normal, four is quite rare.

more junk

More Brain Stuff . . . From Cambridge University.

O lny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.

cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,

it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

and more

Code:

> >>>> >>The European Commission has just announced an
>
> >>>> >>agreement whereby English will be the official
>
> >>>> >>language of the European Union rather than German,
>
> >>>> >>which was the other possibility.
>
> >>>> >>As part of the negotiations, the British Government
>
> >>>> >>conceded that English spelling had some room for
>
> >>>> >>improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan
>
> >>>> >>that would become known as "Euro-English".
>
> >>>> >>In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c".
>
> >>>> >>Sertainly, this will make the
>
> >>>>sivil servants jump
>
> >>>> >>with joy.
>
> >>>> >>The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This
>
> >>>> >>should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have
>
> >>>> >>one less letter.
>
> >>>> >>There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the
>
> >>>> >>sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be
>
> >>>> >>replaced with "f". This will make words like
>
> >>>> >>fotograf 20% shorter.
>
> >>>> >>In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new
>
> >>>> >>spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where
>
> >>>> >>more komplikated changes are possible. Governments
>
> >>>> >>will enkourage the removal of double letters which
>
> >>>> >>have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
>
> >>>> >>Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of
>
> >>>> >>the silent"e"
>
> >>> >>in the languag is disgrasful and it should goaway.
>
> >>>> >>By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such
>
> >>>> >>as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
>
> >>>> >>During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd
>
> >>>> >>from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer,
>
> >>>> >>ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
>
> >>>> >>Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun
>
> >>>> >>vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a
>
> >>>> >>united urop vil finali kum tru.
>
> >>>> >>Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German
>
> >>>> >>like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
>
> >>>> >>If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl
>
> >>>> >hafun...
>
>
>
>
>

And an one liner: Never be afraid to try something new, remember professionals built the titanic, noah built the ark.

shaunak · Nov 19, 2007

Now i am really bored with the word limit........

============================
1. Regular naps prevent old age… especially if you take them while driving.
2. Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee.
3. Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
4. They said we should all pay our tax with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
5. A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
6. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent.
7. Don't marry the person you want to live with, marry the one you cannot live without… but whatever you do, you'll regret it later.
8. You can't buy love . . but you pay heavily for it.
9. True friends stab you in the front.
10. Forgiveness is giving up my right to hate you for hurting me.
11. Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.
12. Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
13. My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
14. Those who can't laugh at themselves leave the job to others.
15. Ladies first. Pretty ladies sooner.
16. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
17. They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
18. Saving is the best thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.
19. Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.
20. Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books
============================================

Conveyance in heaven

Three guys die and go to heaven.
The first guy goes up to St. Peter, who says, "In all the years you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"
The guy thinks a moment then says, "No. No. I was always faithful to her through 55 years of marriage."
St. Peter scratches something down in a big book, then he says to the guy, "OK, mister, you can have that Rolls Royce over there to drive around here."
Now second guy goes up to St. Peter. He asks him, "In all the years you were married, were you ever unfaithful to your wife?"
This second guy takes a moment. He hems and haws a few minutes, then he says, "Well, I did flirt a little, and there was that one night with Julia. But other than that I tried to remain faithful to my wife through 40 years of marriage. I guess I just wasn`t perfect, huh?"
St. Peter scratches something in his book and says, "Don`t worry about it. You can have that motorbike over there to get around."
Third guy too gets the same question.
The guy blushes a bit.
"C`mon," he says. "You know I wasn`t the best of husbands. I cheated on my wife three times, and then I was a terrible flirt."
"I know, I know," says St. Peter without looking up from his Big Book. He scratches something down in that book then says, "Don`t worry about it. We`ll let you have that bicycle over there."
A few weeks later, guys no. 2 and no. 3 were driving along when they see Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go inside and find guy no.1 with empty bottles all around him, his face down in his hands on the table.
Guy no. 2 asks him, "What could possibly be wrong, you got to heaven, you`re driving a Rolls Royce, and everything`s great."
"I saw my wife today", he replied.
Guy no. 3 says, "That`s great! So, what`s the problem?"
He answers, "She was on roller skates!"

=============================

Once there was this man, working in a lighthouse all one on a lonely island.The island was 100's of miles from the mainland, and completely deserted.One fine day, he sees a shipwreck on the horizon.Through his telescope, he sees that all the sailors die except one who manages to swim ashore.Feeling pity on this man, the man in the light house decides to help him out.So he climbs all the way down the spiral stairs, after that he crosses the long pathway that leads to the beach, and then walks all the way to the end of the beach where the sailor had landed.On reaching the person, he realised that the man was on the edge of death...so as a last wish the sailor asks for one last wish to be granted.The man from the lighthouse agrees and asks him what does he want as his last wish.The sailor asks for a bowl of chicken soup.The man is kinda puzzled, but agrees.So he goes all the way back up the beach, then all the way up the pathway, and all the way up the spiral staircase.He prepares chicken soup up in his cabin in the lighthouse.Then he climbs all the way down the spiral stairs, after that he crosses the long pathway that leads to the beach, and then walks all the way to the end of the beach where the sailor had landed.He gives him the chicken soup he prepared, and then after having the soup, the man dies.The person feels pity on him ,and buries him.After burying him, he goes all the way back up the beach, then all the way up the pathway, and all the way up the spiral staircase.

The next day, he sees another shipwreck on the horizon.Through his telescope, he sees that all the sailors die except one who manages to swim ashore.So he climbs all the way down the spiral stairs, after that he crosses the long pathway that leads to the beach, and then walks all the way to the end of the beach where this sailor had landed.On reaching the person, he realised that this man was also at the edge of death...so as a last wish this sailor too asks for one last wish to be granted.The man from the lighthouse agrees and asks him what does he want as his last wish.The sailor asks for a bowl of prawn soup.The man is now really puzzled, but agrees.So he goes all the way back up the beach, then all the way up the pathway, and all the way up the spiral staircase.He prepares prawn soup up in his cabin in the lighthouse.Then he climbs all the way down the spiral stairs, after that he crosses the long pathway that leads to the beach, and then walks all the way to the end of the beach where the sailor had landed.He gives him the prawn soup he prepared, and then after having the soup, the man dies.The person feels pity on him ,and buries him.After burying him, he goes all the way back up the beach, then all the way up the pathway, and all the way up the spiral staircase.

The next day, he sees another shipwreck on the horizon.Through his telescope, he again sees that all the sailors die except one who amazingly manages to swim ashore.So he climbs all the way down the spiral stairs, after that he crosses the long pathway that leads to the beach, and then walks all the way to the end of the beach where the sailor had landed.On reaching the person, he realised that this man was also at the edge of death...so as a last wish this sailor too asks for one last wish to be granted.The man from the lighthouse agrees and asks him what does he want as his last wish.The sailor asks for a bowl of chicken soup.The man is now completely puzzled, but agrees with some hesitation.So he goes all the way back up the beach, then all the way up the pathway, and all the way up the spiral staircase.He prepares chicken soup up in his cabin in the lighthouse.Then he climbs all the way down the spiral stairs, after that he crosses the long pathway that leads to the beach, and then walks all the way to the end of the beach where the sailor had landed.He give him the chicken soup he prepared, and then after having the soup, the man dies.The person feels pity on him ,and buries him.After burying him, he goes all the way back up the beach, then all the way up the pathway, and all the way up the spiral staircase.

What is the moral of the story??

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Moral: Chicken soup is more popular than prawn soup.
=================================

~-****(Scientific PJs)****-~
PJ= (pathetic joke)^∞

> Once some electrons were having a party when they were attacked by protons. A dashing superhero comes to their rescue. His name? Bond, COVALENT BOND.

> Once Heisenberg [the author of the uncertainty relations which states that it is impossible to simultaneously determine the velocity and position of an electron.] Was stopped by a traffic cop in Berlin for who asked him "do you have any idea how fast you were going?". To this the physicist replied "No, but i know precisely where I am."

=====================================

Another Joke on Windows

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"

shaunak · Nov 19, 2007

Why oh why is there a word limit?!.....

If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines...

UNIX Airways

Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS

Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on...

Mac Airlines

All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air

The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever.

Windows NT Air

Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes.

Windows XP Air

You turn up at the airport,which is under contract to only allow XP Air planes. All the aircraft are identical, brightly coloured and three times as big as they need to be. The signs are huge and all point the same way. Whichever way you go, someone pops up dressed in a cloak and pointed hat insisting you follow him. Your luggage and clothes are taken off you and replaced with an XP Air suit and suitcase identical to everyone around you as this is included in the exorbitant ticket cost. The aircraft will not take off until you have signed a contract. The inflight entertainment promised turns out to be the same Mickey Mouse cartoon repeated over and over again. You have to phone your travel agent before you can have a meal or drink. You are searched regularly throughout the flight. If you go to the toilet twice or more you get charged for a new ticket. No matter what destination you booked you will always end up crash landing at Whistler in Canada.

Linux Air

Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself.

When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"

==================

"I may have invented Control-Alt-Delete, but Bill Gates made it famous" - David Bradley

==============================

Why did the chicken cross the road?

George W. Bush's Answer:
Look, it's tough crossin' the road. The chicken knows it's tough. The American people have got to understand that I know the chicken knows it's tough. I read the report. But the chicken's on the march. And it will get the job done .

Albert Einstein's Answer:
That depends on the observer's inertial frame of reference.

Mr. Spock's Answer:
Did the chicken cross the road? If he crossed the road certainly he had no reason to as a chicken as it would mean expending more effort than the food he would find on the other side could provide the energy for. If he crossed the road.... that can only mean that Colonel Sanders was close behind and closing in on him. Captain- if we can approach Colonel Sanders from the correct approaching angle, we may stop him from strangling the chicken. *looks pensive, then checks Captain*.

Cast of Lost's Answer:
Jack Sheppard: I don't know, maybe the chicken was just moving in that direction. Why does it have to mean anything that it crossed the road?
John Locke: The Island demanded that the chicken cross at that moment.
Sawyer: Why are you so interested in the damn chicken, Colonel Sanders? Tired of mangos?
Sayid, calmly: I know more about chickens and the use of them crossing roads than I care to remember. I don't know what is more disturbing. The fact that that chicken has crossed the road, or that it has only three toes.
Early Shannon: Ohmygod Boone, why should we care if the chicken crossed the road or not? It has nothing to do with us.
Hugo "Hurley" Reyes: Dude, did you see a chicken come this way?

Malcolm X's Answer:
The chicken didn't cross that road, the road crossed that chicken.

Bob Dylan's Answer:
How many roads must a chicken then cross, before you call him a rooster?

Norah Jones's Answer:
"Don't know why the chicken decided to cross the road alone."

Sarah McLachlan's Answer:
Listen as the chicken crosses the road's great divide. The joke is its companion and that chicken won't be denied!"

Coldplay's Answer:
"The chicken crossed the road for you and everything you did. And the chicken was all yellow."

Joni Mitchell's Answer:
"The chickens looked at roads from both sides now, but still somehow its the roads illusion it recalls. Chickens don't really know roads at all."

Cat Steven's Answer:
"The chicken had so much left to know so it went on the road to find out."

Louis Armstrong's Answer:
"If you have to ask why chickens cross roads you'll never know."

Billie Holiday's Answer:
"If a chicken takes a notion to cross a road or ocean. Well it ain't nobody's business if it do."

Enya's Answer:
"The great journey that was before the chicken then was what was destined to be. Now the chicken is sorrowful, the road is long past." (When translated from Irish Gaelic)

Loreena McKennitt's Answer:
"Have you heard of the chicken that crossed the road? Nee hee hee and me bonnie fowl. It crossed the road for the sake of a rooster."

Tori Amos's Answer:
"It heard its cluck, it heard its cluck, and it had been years. But the chicken had been here, not crossing roads all these years."

Fleetwood Mac's Answer:
"Oh, take my wing, eat it down. I crossed that road and I turned around. If you see my reflection at the KFC. Well the Buick fender brought me down."

George W. Bush's Answer:
We'll have the Colonel ready for any eventuality, and we're pretty sure we'll nab him at the least likely place for a chicken to cross, so that'll make it pretty easy for us, as soon as we can figure where that will be. I have our boys working on that one. They're getting the buckets ready .

John F. Kennedy's Answer:
Whyyy...did the chicken, cross the road?
*thumps podium*
He crossed the road... to give his life.
He did it,... not for himself,.......... but he did it... for his fellow chickens.
As a warning,...
And a brave and noble thing it was... that he did.

Dana Scully's Answer:
The simplest explanation is the most likely, now calm down and start behaving rationally.

Mythbusters's Answer:
If you fire a frozen chicken out of a cannon; not only will it cross a road, it could be a lethal projectile.

Clement Clarke Moore's Answer:
Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
The chickens were scurrying
Til scared by a mouse
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
But the chickens, the chickens were no longer there
They had crossed the road hoping that Saint Nick would visit them there.

The Cast of House's Answer:
Cameron: We should watch the chicken, but not force it or manipulate it. Find out what that tells us about its past actions, but not do anything dishonest.
Chase: It's just a chicken. It was probably running away from some fat American kid.
Foreman: You're both wrong it's a neurological reaction to stimuli. Come on people.
House: Actually you're all wrong. The real question is why should we care? The answer is we shouldn't. Next case. Oh and give me my damn pills!

Jules Verne's Answer:
Under a 125 F.At 36 degree North and 115 degree East, and at 03:00 GMT, Professor Chicken entered history as his Cannon propelled him through the road.

Sherlock Holmes's Answer:
I deduce this was a Rock Island hen, eleven months old, and that it was kept in a mesh cage composed of galvanized iron. Surely Watson, you can see this is a festive Sunday afternoon, and the chicken is but one step ahead of the family stew pot.

shaunak · Nov 19, 2007

Some one has gotta do something about this word limit.....
Chicken cross the road continued.......

Karl Marx's Answer:
To spread the international organization of the chicken-proletariat in their class-struggle against the heinous bourgouisie child-killing egg-frying capitalist farmer-class. He was carrying unifying propaganda meant to instill the virtues and fervor of the labor struggle against the alienating psychological effects of egg-stealing by the evil capitalists. An egg-cott was in the offing: the very foundations of the international capitalist egg-conspiracy were to be shaken by the balk and refusal to lay of all working-chickens everywhere! The fox, an agent of the oppressive bourgouisie, saw his crossing, and ate him: dichotimized in his relations of production, suffering the ultimate alienation of the worker from his labors, the chicken's story is merely further evidence that the worker-chicken cannot escape his labor-role in the cog of the capitalist conspiracy until all laborers everywhere, of whatever specie, are united in their stand against the alienating forces of international exploitative capitalistisic egg-consumption!

J.R.R. Tolkien's Answer:
The Road goes ever on and on. It can be dangerous to step out into it, for the Road that starts at your front door leads to Rivendell and wilder places, and you can easily be swept away. If you are a chicken, it can lead to BBQ.

J.R.R. Tolkien's Answer:
In the foul and perpetual darkness of Mordor the road wound like an ugly gash across the hideous landscape. Chanting horribly, the heavily armored orc army marched drearily down the road. As the last of the foul creatures disappeared into the fell darkness, a fowl creature leapt out from behind a hideous skull shaped boulder and dashed across the road. Feathers quivering with fear, it huddled down while it desperately clucked to itself "I won't go to Mount Doom. I won't. I won't. I won't."

Morpheus's Answer:
Neo, there is no chicken.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE's Answer:
Beware of entrance to the freeway; but being in,
Bear't that the opposed side may be obtained by thee,
Noble heart.

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi's Answer:
The chicken crossed the holy road to resist the crusaders. Unfortunately, he was killed during the jihad. He has died a martyr.

Jessica Simpson 's Answer:
Why would he be one a road, I thought chickens lived in the ocean?

Homer Simpson 's Answer:
There was free beer on the other side of the road.

Bill Cosby 's Answer:
Weeelll, ya see, the chicken crossed the road, and to get... to...the jello pudding pops.

Snoop Dogg 's Answer:
This (censored) fool of a chicken didn't (censored) know
what the (censored) he was doin crossin a (censored) alley in (censored) Harlem at 1:00 in the (censored) mornin'.

Isaac Newton 's Answer:
The duck suggested to the chicken that they play
follow the leader then the duck crossed the road causing the chicken to cross after it, but at the same time holding up traffic, thus proving that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction .

Shakespeare 's Answer:
To cross or not to cross, that is the question.

Gandhi 's Answer:
All chickens should peacefully resist by crossing the road.

Steve Jobs 's (Apple) Answer:
Because of the brand-new iChicken- a portable device that crosses roads, lays eggs, gives wakeup calls and provides dinner, automatically. This amazing device can simply plug in to the $4000 iCoop to produce additional iChickens and recharge existing iChickens, or plug it into the $9000 iChop to convert iChicken files into iFood. iFood-to-Regular Food converters sell for an additional $50/month fee, however the optional iFood-to-FoodXP converter is still in development. iChickens are only available from authorized iDealers, which can be found in nearly every US state. If your iChicken develops a disease or stops working, you must send it by FedEx Overnight to Littleton, Montana and our iTechnicians will send you a replacement within 3 months. The iChicken. Wow.

Colin Powell 's Answer:
This is not about whether inspectors made sure the chicken crossed the road, it's about the willingness of the chicken to cross the road voluntarily.

Darwin's Answer:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected
in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

(former) Iraq Information Minister:
There is no such chicken trying to cross the road, and there never has been any such chicken.

John Sununu 's Answer:
The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

Capitalist's Answer:
Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its
dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant
challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering
relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its
physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impact environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a
consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the
chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards
the creation of a total business integration solution. (Andersen
Consulting helped the chicken change to become more successful.

Mark Twain's Answer:
The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Ralph Waldo Emerson's Answer:
It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Salvador Dali 's Answer:
The Fish.

Neil Armstrong's Answer:
To go where no chicken has gone before.
That's one small step for Chicken, one giant leap for Chicken kind.

George Bush's Answer:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.

Al Gore's Answer:
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services to the American people.

Bill Gates' Answer:
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

Dr. Seuss' Answer:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

Ernest Hemingway's Answer:
To die. In the rain. Alone.

Martin Luther King Jr's Answer:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Barbara Walters' Answer:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its
life-long dream of crossing the road.
John Lennon's Answer:
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.

Karl Marx's Answer:
It was a historical inevitability.

Late Saddam Hussein's Answer:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in
dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Bill Clinton's Answer:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please?

Another Answer:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. However, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York.

Albert Einstein's Answer:
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

Another Answer:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

L.A.P.D.'s Answer:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Richard Nixon's Answer:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road.

Another Answer:
I don't know any chickens.
I have never known any chickens.

Buddha's Answer:
If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

Joseph Stalin's Answer:
I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.

The Pope's Answer:
That is only for God to know.

Colonel Sanders' [Founder of Kentucky Fried Chicken] Answer:
I missed one?

Slothie · Nov 19, 2007

Under the bed
Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

Hermaphrodite
A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward the doctor comes into the room and says, "I have something to tell you about your child ..."

The woman slowly sits up with a worried look on her face and says, "What's wrong with it?"

The doctor says, "There's nothing really wrong with it, it's just a little different! It's a hermaphrodite."

The woman looks confused. "A hermaphrodite, what's that?"

The doctor replies, "It has both features of a male and a female."

The woman looks relieved. "What? You mean it has a penis and a brain?"

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?

She ran away from the ball.

How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?
A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Edit:
Sperm Bank Joke

A masked gunman goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the counter, and says, “Open the safe.”

She says, “This isn’t a real bank, it’s a sperm bank.”

He says, “Open the safe or I’ll shoot.”

She opens the safe, and he says, “Now take one of the bottles and drink it.”

After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman realizes the robber is her husband.

He says, “Now you see? It’s not so difficult, is it?”
Edit:
Bubba and Ghost

A professor at University of Arkansas was giving a lecture on the
supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people
here believe in Ghosts?”

About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do
any of you think you have seen a ghost?”

About 40 students raise their hands.

“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
here ever talked to a ghost?”

About 15 students raise their hand.

“Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”

3 students raise their hands.
“That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further…Have any of
you ever made love to a ghost?”

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his
glasses, and says “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no
one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up
here and tell us about your experience.”
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make
his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the
professor asks, “So, Bubba, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a
ghost?”

Bubba replied, “Shiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said “Goats.”
Edit:
Funny images

Edit:
Cigarette Condom Joke

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

“Doesn’t matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.”

The pharmacist fainted.
Edit:
Cool Images

Something that doctors shouldn’t do

“Doctor, I’m so angry at my boyfriend that I must call him Bastard. I feel that he’s gone too far, and he deserves it.”

“Hmm? Such a word is strong and rude. But may be you have your own reasons. Tell me about it so that I can help you.”

“Yes, thank you, Doctor. There was one night…we parked our car besides the beach and we were alone… and… he held my hand…”

“Did he hold your hand like this?”

“Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you’re holding it now”

“If it’s only this, he doesn’t deserve to be called Bastard. It means he doesn’t want to be separated from you.”

“Then, he leaned his body towards me… and hugged me…”

“Like this?”

“Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you’re doing.”

“It’s not a Bastard. It means he wanna stay forever by your side”

“Then he kissed me…”

“Like this?”

“Yes, Doctor. Exactly like how you’re kissing me.”

“If its only a kiss like this, seriously you can’t call him Bastard. It means he adores you.”

“Then he put his hands inside my clothes and touched my boobs, Doc…”

“Like this?”

“Yes, Doctor… exactly like that”

“It’s not behavior of a bastard. It means he wants to protect you.”

“Then he took off all my clothes… slowly… ”

“Did you resist?”

“No. I let him do it, coz I love him…”

“Did he take off your clothes like this?”

“Yes, Doctor. Until I’m completely naked like now……”

“He still doesn’t deserve to be called “Bastard, because it means he wanna learn about your body completely.”

“Then he kissed me and put his…. inside me and had sex with me…”

“Did he do it just like what we do?”

“Yes, Doctor. Exactly the same”

“You still can’t call him Bastard. It means he needs you.”

“But then he told me that he has AIDS”

All the staff and patients outside heard the doctor
screaming, “Bastard !”
Edit:
How maid get increase in salary

A maid (Sumana) in a posh home wanted a wage increase.

The Madam was very upset about this and asked: “Now Sumana, why
do you want an increase?”

Sumana: Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an
increase.

The first is that I iron better than you.

Madam: “Who said you iron better than me?”

Sumana: “The Master said so.”

Madam: “Oh.”

Sumana: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”

Madam: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”

Sumana: “The Master did.”

Madam: “Oh.”

Sumana: “My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.”

Madam (very upset now): “Did the Master say so as well?”

Sumana: “No Madam, the gardener.”

She got the increase!
Edit:
Nurse joke

A male patient is lying in bed at the hospital with an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour
operation……….

A young nurse comes in to sponge bathe his hands and feet.

“Nurse”, he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, I’m only here to
wash your hands and feet.”

He struggles again to ask, “Nurse, ..are my testicles black?”

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis
in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look
and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them!”

The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly, “That felt
great but listen very closely to me now, ..are ..my ..test .results
.back?”

shaunak · Nov 19, 2007

If you have forgotten High School Physics, this jokes not for you:

Code:

A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels by Susan Hewitt and Edward Subitzky 


As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well- intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics. 
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below. 

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity. 

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them. 

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight. 

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour. 

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. 

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spon- taneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result. 

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years. 

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result. 

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe. 

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed. 

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space. 

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten- Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected. 

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State. 

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied. 

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User. 

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.

==========================

Attractive Wives

Robert was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast.

He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player, who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common knowledge.

He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

Robert's wife replied, "Why thank you, dear!"

==============================================

Area 51...

We ve all heard of the US Air Force`s high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot`s story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn`t a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP`s surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

==========================================

Magic...

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled,

"How`d you do that?"
"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, "But then I`d have to kill you."
After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then... just tell my wife!"

manzoor · Nov 20, 2007

Blondes have become smart !!!
There was lawyer and a blonde sitting on a plane together. The lawyer decided to play a betting game with the blonde girl. The rules were simple: they ask each other a question each. If the blonde answers right, she gets $50, and if the lawyer gets the question right he gets 5$. After much insistance, the blonde agreed to play. The lawyer thought that he will win for sure, especially against a blonde.

So the Lawyer asked the Blonde the distance between Earth and the Sun. The Blonde did not know the answer, so she handed the lawyer a 5 dollar bill.

The Blonde now asked the lawyer: what goes up the hill with two legs and comes down with 3?

The lawyer was now puzzled and utterly confused. Opening his laptop, he could not find it! He reluctantly gave the blonde a 50 dollar bill.

Then the lawyer asked the blonde in anger: What is the answer?

the Blonde smiled and handed the lawyer a 5 dollar bill.

Thus, the Blonde became smarter than the Lawyer. Amazing, is it not?
Bill Gates picks his own punishment
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom...

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."

shaunak · Nov 21, 2007

This ones probably the worst joke on the planet, but I will take a stab at it......

If Barack Obama uses his left hand to write, and Hillary Clinton uses her right hand, which hand do I use?
.
.
.
Ans: My hand.

=====================================================

Good Sport

George receives a phone call.

"Hello," he answers.

The voice on the other end says, "This is Jessica. We met at a party about 3 months ago."

George, "hmmm... Jessica? You say we met 3 months ago?"

Jessica, "Yes, it was at Adam's house. After the party gave me a ride home. On the way home, we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport."

George, "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are have you been?"

Jessica, "Well, I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."

George, "Say, you really ARE a good sport!"

================================================

Sailor`s logic!

A Captain asked a sailor, "Where did your father die?"
"He drowned at sea."
"And your grandfather?"
"At sea too."
"Aren’t you afraid of the sea?"
The sailor retorted, "Sir, where did your father die?" "In bed."
"And your grandfather?"
"In bed too."
"Sir, aren’t you afraid to go to bed every night where your father and grandfather died?"

==================================
Differences Between You and Your Boss

When you take a long time, you`re slow. When your boss takes a long time, he`s thorough.
When you don t do it, you re lazy. When your boss doesn t do it, he s too busy.
When you make a mistake, you re an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he s only human.
When doing something without being told, you re overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that s initiative.
When you take a stand, you re being bull-headed. When your boss does it, he s being firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you re being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he s being original.
When you please your boss, you re ass creeping. When your boss pleases his boss, he s being co-operative.
When you re out of the office, you re wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he s on business.
When you re on a day off sick, you re always sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it s because he s overworked.

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Common sense!

A man walked up to a farmer as he came out of a voting booth, "I'm from the FBI."
"What seems to be the trouble?"
"We happen to know that you accepted a bribe and sold your vote."
"That's not true. I voted for the candidate because I like him."
"Well, that's where we've got you. We have concrete evidence you accepted $ 1000 from him."
"Well, it's plain common sense. If someone gives you 1000 bucks, you're going to like him."

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Dr`s Receptionist

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you, he said."

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it, the man replied."

The doctor's office erupted in laughter

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3 Proud Parents
3 men were gathering one day to talk about how successful there sons were doing.

The first man says, "My son has been doing so successful as a lawyer he got a mansion and shares it with his friend."

The second mans says, "My son has been so successful as a doctor that he bought a converatable and a private jet for his friend."

The third man says, "Well, my son hasn't been so "successful". In fact, I just learned he was gay and I've accepted that fact. I guess he must be doing good though because he lives in a mansion with his friend and owns a private jet and a convertable."

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Globalization

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines. This is sent to you using Bill Gates's technology, and you're probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant.

That, my friends, is Globalization!!

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Tech Support!!

Why we should feel sorry for tech support people:
A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."
The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let`s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter `P` to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don`t have a `P`."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "`P` on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I`m not going to do that!"

Customer: "Can you copy the Internet for me on this diskette?"

I work for a local ISP. Frequently we receive phone calls that start something like this:
Customer: "Hi. Is this the Internet?"

Customer: "So that`ll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that`s the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

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