Zangetsu
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She had driven down this street many times but she had never seen it like this before. It came as a surprise how different it looked at night and from this angle. The ground looked so far away bet so close that she could almost touch it with her tongue. She couldn`t see much except what the acid yellow light coming from the street lamp sparingly gave her. Despite that, she could still see enough of this barren wasteland that during the day was downtown. The hollow concrete canyon gave off an air of empty desolation as she started down into it. She understood what it was saying to her. How could she not. The blowing garbage and the dirty curb reminded her of her own life cracked and soiled by the careless world passing by. She saw the pink gum stick in haste to the lamppost by someone late for the bus and the empty parking space beside the rusted out El Camino. They, like her, were lost to their own devices to slowly rot against the harsh weather, forgotten by time and space.
It had rained yesterday hadn`t it? She couldn`t remember now as the days before blurred together. She didn`t want to remember anyway. It had always rained when she needed it least. it had poured the other day daddy died and when Buttons got hit by that car. It had rained the day she buried Joel too. The others were just a figment compared to that one. She could never forget that day as much as she prayed she would. It echoed in her skull like rain in the gutters. She had sat there empty, wet, cold and alone staring into his grave. The dark ashen the sky and the saturated trees had framed her vision while she watched the little trickles of mud flow up through the bright green carpet they had used to cover the disturbed ground. Those trickles would merge and rush into the empty gaping hole made to receive what was left of him. How she had wished she could follow that muddy water into the blackness and find relief from the pain. She couldn`t forget it. That dark endless maw was a constant reminder of the sense of singleness that was permeated her. She knew what a speck of dust felt like on the ocean of time. He had left her alone hadn`t he, in that perfect house, in that perfect neighborhood to slowly rot as he did now in his grave.
The urban landscape stretched forever around her making her feel like a bug suspended in amber. The glass and concrete hid any sign of the natural world and there was nothing green anywhere within the wall of surrounding buildings. It was a comfort not seeing green. It would have reminded her of life and that was more then she could stand. She laughed. There wasn`t any green now. That endless yard that Joel had kept pristine had become a barren brown wasteland. She didnt have the energy to tend to it. Nor had she had the time since most of her days were booked with people dispensing their pity and drug induced nap on the living room sofa. That beautiful sofa had become her prison after Joel was gone. Its beautiful curves and satin finish had sparked something in her at one time or another. She couldn`t recall when. She had carefully chosen it to set off that once elegant room. There had been some silly notion that it was to be used for company but the company never had a chance to come. Now the once perfect colored fabric was marred and tangled with half rotten frozen dinners, whiskey stains and tears. It was the one room that Joel had never touched and that helped push his memories away. She could lie there with the curtains closed and scratched at her thoughts with the bottle. It was her purgatory or atleast it had been. It had surely finished burning by now. They would start looking for her soon, searching to find the answers to why she had lit that couch on fire with the tiny can of gas meant for Joel`s lawn mower. But they would never know her pleasure at watching that custom green silk couch burn, its flames licking at the green curtains and the fresh wedding portraits on the wall.
It was so quite out here with only the wind. She was surprised by the peace of it all. For a moment, just one brief one, she was the happy days. Like Joel finding the new ski boots under the little scruffy tree that they had stolen from the college lawn. They had decked it out with homemade ornaments and junk from the dumpster behind there little apartment. She had worked extra shifts to afford those boots and his deep brown eyes had flashed like a little boy when he tore back the paper. She still had them somewhere or at least she thought she did. They probably were cinders now. That night, they made love on the floor under that ugly scrap of a tree. He always knew how to touch her in a way that would make her shudder all over. Just a single touch was all it took. A kiss or a quick stroke of her breast was made electric by him. She remembered the first time she saw him from across the library with his dark curly head buried in some book, broad shoulders hunched in thought. He had looked up and caught her watching him. Then he flashed that sideways smile of his and she had melted like sugar in the rain. She still couldn`t believe he was gone.
She knew that her life ended that day when his did. The memories of that were etched into her head like the city`s name in the manhole cover below her. She could`t take her eyes off of it. its wet grimy metal surface almost twinkled in the light like a gateway to hell. The car. the screeching metal. The bottle she had inebriated herself with flying around them in the chaos of the twinkling glass. everyday now, all she could see was the sparks of light in the flying glass. It was there with the face every time she closed her eyes. And now in the dark, she could still see those sparks even in that manhole. No one blamed her becoase she hadn`t been driving. She did. She couldn't help it. She could still see his face, blood dripping from his open eyes and the car scattered down the embankment. She remembered the moment he was gone like it happened a second ago. The memory was unbearable. It pinned her down like an unfortunate butterfly needed for a child`s science project. It ripped her apart but let her live all in the same breath. That memory turned her days to mud and her nights to horror. He was there always. She could see it clearly as her brain formed everything in perfect detail even now.
The car had hit head on and flipped, crashing down a hill into an innocent tree. All the while, she held on not knowing what was happening becoase she was to drunk to care. But then the pain came in sobering punches as the car came to a stop. From then on she remembered it all clearly, vividly, their car had given in to another,crumpling up like a tin can along the driver`s side. The impact had practically pushed Joel ad everything else into her lap. Like a paper doll wrapped in foil, he hung by his seat belt almost above her. Trapped by him and the wreckage, she lay there staring into his broken face. His eyes, those beautiful eyes torn with fear, quickly faded into oblivion. She watched him gave that last rattling breath he succumbed to it. No words just a last gasp for air while his brains ran from his head onto the demolished dash. Drip, drip, drip. It rang in her ears like the defeating wind that encapsulated her. His sweet smile broke into a million pieces as hers would be soon.
She knew this way was the only way to get him out of her head. He haunted her een ow. She laughed as the ground sped towards her. She couldn`t, even in her last moments, see her own life pass before her eyes becoase he was there. Dead and staring, he mocked her while hanging like her rag dolls from her shelf above her bed when she was a little girl. He had to let her go. He had no choice now. She loved him yes but not enough to let his memories tear her apart. She knew it would be oer soon. The ground was close
She hit and the bright stars of heaven flooded her vision as any jump from twenty eight stories would do. She heard the cracking and popping of what she knew was her own bones breaking, fragmenting and tearing her flesh. It was almost over. As her vision briefly cleared, she watched in amazement as the ropes of her blood flew into the air like a butterfly`s wings. It arched into the air splattering the grimy sidewalk and coating the lamp-post whose light turned these last moments into a sickly yellow. It was beautiful. She drifted above the pain and close to the darkness of death. She held on for the peace she so craved, waiting for those last synapses to fire and set it free. But no, it wasn`t to come. Joel was still there staring back at her with that broken face and those dead bleeding eyes.
With her last ragged breath, she summoned the last strength in her broken body. All her love for this man turning into rage as she whispered, "Get out of my head."
She felt herself let go and Joel`s memory shorted out her brain. Death at last came over her. She hoped everyone would understand but she knew they wouldn`t. How could they know? They hadn`t loved him as she had. They hadn`t seen his face as he died. Then the blackness crept in. And there, in silence, her final parting thought came and went like smoke from a match.
She hoped it would rain.
It had rained yesterday hadn`t it? She couldn`t remember now as the days before blurred together. She didn`t want to remember anyway. It had always rained when she needed it least. it had poured the other day daddy died and when Buttons got hit by that car. It had rained the day she buried Joel too. The others were just a figment compared to that one. She could never forget that day as much as she prayed she would. It echoed in her skull like rain in the gutters. She had sat there empty, wet, cold and alone staring into his grave. The dark ashen the sky and the saturated trees had framed her vision while she watched the little trickles of mud flow up through the bright green carpet they had used to cover the disturbed ground. Those trickles would merge and rush into the empty gaping hole made to receive what was left of him. How she had wished she could follow that muddy water into the blackness and find relief from the pain. She couldn`t forget it. That dark endless maw was a constant reminder of the sense of singleness that was permeated her. She knew what a speck of dust felt like on the ocean of time. He had left her alone hadn`t he, in that perfect house, in that perfect neighborhood to slowly rot as he did now in his grave.
The urban landscape stretched forever around her making her feel like a bug suspended in amber. The glass and concrete hid any sign of the natural world and there was nothing green anywhere within the wall of surrounding buildings. It was a comfort not seeing green. It would have reminded her of life and that was more then she could stand. She laughed. There wasn`t any green now. That endless yard that Joel had kept pristine had become a barren brown wasteland. She didnt have the energy to tend to it. Nor had she had the time since most of her days were booked with people dispensing their pity and drug induced nap on the living room sofa. That beautiful sofa had become her prison after Joel was gone. Its beautiful curves and satin finish had sparked something in her at one time or another. She couldn`t recall when. She had carefully chosen it to set off that once elegant room. There had been some silly notion that it was to be used for company but the company never had a chance to come. Now the once perfect colored fabric was marred and tangled with half rotten frozen dinners, whiskey stains and tears. It was the one room that Joel had never touched and that helped push his memories away. She could lie there with the curtains closed and scratched at her thoughts with the bottle. It was her purgatory or atleast it had been. It had surely finished burning by now. They would start looking for her soon, searching to find the answers to why she had lit that couch on fire with the tiny can of gas meant for Joel`s lawn mower. But they would never know her pleasure at watching that custom green silk couch burn, its flames licking at the green curtains and the fresh wedding portraits on the wall.
It was so quite out here with only the wind. She was surprised by the peace of it all. For a moment, just one brief one, she was the happy days. Like Joel finding the new ski boots under the little scruffy tree that they had stolen from the college lawn. They had decked it out with homemade ornaments and junk from the dumpster behind there little apartment. She had worked extra shifts to afford those boots and his deep brown eyes had flashed like a little boy when he tore back the paper. She still had them somewhere or at least she thought she did. They probably were cinders now. That night, they made love on the floor under that ugly scrap of a tree. He always knew how to touch her in a way that would make her shudder all over. Just a single touch was all it took. A kiss or a quick stroke of her breast was made electric by him. She remembered the first time she saw him from across the library with his dark curly head buried in some book, broad shoulders hunched in thought. He had looked up and caught her watching him. Then he flashed that sideways smile of his and she had melted like sugar in the rain. She still couldn`t believe he was gone.
She knew that her life ended that day when his did. The memories of that were etched into her head like the city`s name in the manhole cover below her. She could`t take her eyes off of it. its wet grimy metal surface almost twinkled in the light like a gateway to hell. The car. the screeching metal. The bottle she had inebriated herself with flying around them in the chaos of the twinkling glass. everyday now, all she could see was the sparks of light in the flying glass. It was there with the face every time she closed her eyes. And now in the dark, she could still see those sparks even in that manhole. No one blamed her becoase she hadn`t been driving. She did. She couldn't help it. She could still see his face, blood dripping from his open eyes and the car scattered down the embankment. She remembered the moment he was gone like it happened a second ago. The memory was unbearable. It pinned her down like an unfortunate butterfly needed for a child`s science project. It ripped her apart but let her live all in the same breath. That memory turned her days to mud and her nights to horror. He was there always. She could see it clearly as her brain formed everything in perfect detail even now.
The car had hit head on and flipped, crashing down a hill into an innocent tree. All the while, she held on not knowing what was happening becoase she was to drunk to care. But then the pain came in sobering punches as the car came to a stop. From then on she remembered it all clearly, vividly, their car had given in to another,crumpling up like a tin can along the driver`s side. The impact had practically pushed Joel ad everything else into her lap. Like a paper doll wrapped in foil, he hung by his seat belt almost above her. Trapped by him and the wreckage, she lay there staring into his broken face. His eyes, those beautiful eyes torn with fear, quickly faded into oblivion. She watched him gave that last rattling breath he succumbed to it. No words just a last gasp for air while his brains ran from his head onto the demolished dash. Drip, drip, drip. It rang in her ears like the defeating wind that encapsulated her. His sweet smile broke into a million pieces as hers would be soon.
She knew this way was the only way to get him out of her head. He haunted her een ow. She laughed as the ground sped towards her. She couldn`t, even in her last moments, see her own life pass before her eyes becoase he was there. Dead and staring, he mocked her while hanging like her rag dolls from her shelf above her bed when she was a little girl. He had to let her go. He had no choice now. She loved him yes but not enough to let his memories tear her apart. She knew it would be oer soon. The ground was close
She hit and the bright stars of heaven flooded her vision as any jump from twenty eight stories would do. She heard the cracking and popping of what she knew was her own bones breaking, fragmenting and tearing her flesh. It was almost over. As her vision briefly cleared, she watched in amazement as the ropes of her blood flew into the air like a butterfly`s wings. It arched into the air splattering the grimy sidewalk and coating the lamp-post whose light turned these last moments into a sickly yellow. It was beautiful. She drifted above the pain and close to the darkness of death. She held on for the peace she so craved, waiting for those last synapses to fire and set it free. But no, it wasn`t to come. Joel was still there staring back at her with that broken face and those dead bleeding eyes.
With her last ragged breath, she summoned the last strength in her broken body. All her love for this man turning into rage as she whispered, "Get out of my head."
She felt herself let go and Joel`s memory shorted out her brain. Death at last came over her. She hoped everyone would understand but she knew they wouldn`t. How could they know? They hadn`t loved him as she had. They hadn`t seen his face as he died. Then the blackness crept in. And there, in silence, her final parting thought came and went like smoke from a match.
She hoped it would rain.
