:D Jokes :D

[fierce]

10 Things You Don't Want To Hear In The Airport

10. "We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding will start at $20."
9. "I'm sorry madam, but we cannot allow you to bring your cat on board. We don't yet know the effects of high
radiation on our feline friends. And we are required to check your bags."
8. "Yes sir, we are aware of the biohazard tag on your luggage and no, you don't want to know its origin. I
recommend you refrain from opening your suitcase."
7. "Yes sir, importing Cuban cigars is illegal, that's why the security officer had to confiscate them. What? He's
smoking them? Hey! You rat! Save some for me!"
6. "I'm sorry madam, but our insurance policy does not cover punctures in your bags caused by our checking
attendants. No, it also does not cover airline crashes. It does cover explosions prior to takeoff, however, and is
our most commonly purchased package."
5. "Attention all airline passengers, your flight has been delayed."
4. "For those who have never flown before or who have never heard about the concept of a flying machine: We
are currently experiencing 'turbulence,' a common by-product of 'air travel.' Please refrain from screams of
mortal danger until we've safely landed."
3. "Madam, please take your food now, the tongs are melting."
2. "We apologize for the delay. Due to extenuating circumstances, our pilot is experiencing difficulties with his
sobriety level. Please allow sufficient time for him to have additional shots of tequila."
1. "This is your captain speaking, on the left you can now observe the majestic Mount Kilamanjar... oh, crap!"

3 ways to catch a TIGER:

1:- NEWTON METHOD:- let tiger catch you. Every action has equal and opposite reaction. u can catch tiger as
observed.
2:- EINSTEIN METHOD:- run in opposite direction to tiger. According to theory of relativity tiger will run fast and
get tired and then you will be able to catch it.
3:-According to most efficient POLICE METHOD:-Catch a CAT and torture it till it agrees that its the TIGER.

LOL!

- fierce .

 

[Dazz]

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. 'In English,' he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.' A voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

 

[december23]

hi xd

 

[Brayans]

x10 forum lacks with good jokes so I decided to post few .

Difficult Question

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she is old enough to ask the
question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the birds and the
bees.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open.
The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

No Extras!

A married couple goes into a dentist’s office. The husband is in a big hurry. He says, “No expensive extras, Doc.
No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.”
“I wish more of my patients were as brave as you,” the dentist says. “Now, which tooth is it?”
The husband turns to his wife and says, “Show him your tooth, honey.”

Condom Size Tester

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The
guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!"
The guy strut over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends
him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

Top 8 Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say
8. Here honey, you use the remote.
7. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
6. Ooh, Antonio Banderas and Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
5. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4. Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3. Aww, forget Monday Night Football, let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore.

So it's your turn ..post some more jokes !

Cheers,

fierce .

Loved it!
hahahahaha :hahano::hahano::hahano::hahano:

 

[fierce]

Marketing 101

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her, and
pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and
say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, walk up to her and pour her a
drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way,
I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's
Brand Recognition.

A 90-yearold

man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What
do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and
never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his
umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his
umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Bush Leadership Test

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership
philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.
Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."
Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your
mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations
Committee to the test. Bush summons Dick Lugar to the White House and says, "Senator Lugar, I wonder if you
can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your
brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Lugar hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Lugar leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they
puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation,
Lugar calls Rice at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your
sister. Who is it?"
Rice answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Lugar rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer,
sir! I know who it is! It's Condoleezza Rice!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ****, it's Tony Blair!"

- fierce .

 

[Dazz]

=P

One day, a bear and a rabbit were walking trough the woods when they saw a golden frog. The frog said 'I don`t see many people, but when I do I grant them three wishes. The bear looks at the rabbit and says 'That means three each'. The bear then says, "I wish all the bears in this forest were female." The rabbit wishes for a motorbike. The bear looks at the rabbit, then says, "in fact, I wish all the bears in the next forest were female, too." The rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear (getting a bit carried away), "I wish all the bears in the WORLD were female!!" Then,the rabbit puts on the helmet, revs the bike and says, "I wish that bear right there was gay" and rides away.

 

[galaxyAbstractor]

=P

One day, a bear and a rabbit were walking trough the woods when they saw a golden frog. The frog said 'I don`t see many people, but when I do I grant them three wishes. The bear looks at the rabbit and says 'That means three each'. The bear then says, "I wish all the bears in this forest were female." The rabbit wishes for a motorbike. The bear looks at the rabbit, then says, "in fact, I wish all the bears in the next forest were female, too." The rabbit wishes for a crash helmet. The bear (getting a bit carried away), "I wish all the bears in the WORLD were female!!" Then,the rabbit puts on the helmet, revs the bike and says, "I wish that bear right there was gay" and rides away.

but wait... If all bears in the world were female (including the bear in the story, because all bears are female), wouldn't it matter then?

 

[Dazz]

but wait... If all bears in the world were female (including the bear in the story, because all bears are female), wouldn't it matter then?

;P Didn't say they had to make sense LOL

A priest, a nun, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a cowboy, a lawyer, a salesman, and a blond all walk in to a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, is this some kind of joke?"

 

[Domenico]

Two men walk into a bar, the therd one ducks.

 

[fierce]

THiS ONE iS THE VERY BEST !!!

There was this little boy

about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string
behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam
answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the
women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course the Madam said no.
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I
want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room
on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging
the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the
only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner,
leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just
happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad
get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the
disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom
will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom
and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-***** who ran over my FROG!"

LOL!

xDDDDD

- fierce .

 

[Dazz]

LOL @ Fierce

A blonde goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says: Doc it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts! Doc what's wrong? The doctor answers: Your finger is broken!