Russ
<b>Retired *****</b>
- Messages
- 3,168
- Reaction score
- 2
- Points
- 38
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What do you call a lawyer who's gone bad?
Senator.
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
Another lawyer.
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.
What is the difference between yogurt and the American Bar Association?
Yogurt has culture.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.
What's the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments?
It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.
Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to lawyers for their experiments?
1. Lawyers are more plentiful than rats;
2. The lab technicians don't get as attached to the lawyers, and
3. There are some things a rat just won't do.
What happens to a lawyer who is thrown out of a saloon?
He was disbarred.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
What's the other difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Vultures wait 'till you're dead to rip your heart out.
How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
What's the other difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
Clothes.
What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road?
The vultures will eat the skunk.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
And, true, actual quotes from court rooms:
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
—
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
—
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
—
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
—
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
—
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
—
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
—
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
—
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
—
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
—
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
—
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?*
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.*
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
—
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
—
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
__________________
Professional courtesy.
What do you call a lawyer who's gone bad?
Senator.
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
Another lawyer.
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.
What is the difference between yogurt and the American Bar Association?
Yogurt has culture.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.
What's the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments?
It's harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings.
Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to lawyers for their experiments?
1. Lawyers are more plentiful than rats;
2. The lab technicians don't get as attached to the lawyers, and
3. There are some things a rat just won't do.
What happens to a lawyer who is thrown out of a saloon?
He was disbarred.
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.
Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
What's the other difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Vultures wait 'till you're dead to rip your heart out.
How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
What's the other difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
Clothes.
What is the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road?
The vultures will eat the skunk.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute?
A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead.
And, true, actual quotes from court rooms:
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
—
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
—
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
—
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
—
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
—
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new
attorney?
—
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
—
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
—
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
—
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
—
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
—
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?*
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.*
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
—
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
—
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
__________________
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