Good Joke

[zen-r]

...A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear....

Lol.

You've gone from deer, then lions in your last joke, to bears in this one. I spot a pattern developing here.

Q: Hey, what do you get if you cross someone who tells a lion joke with someone who tells a bear joke?
A: Chewbacca the Woiwky from Star Wars!

OK, that joke was awful...I need to go off & work on it for a lot longer! at:
.

 

[woiwky]

You've gone from deer, then lions in your last joke, to bears in this one. I spot a pattern developing here.

lol Very observant of you. I actually didn't realize that. But it doesn't surprise me too much, I tend to like jokes that involve animals in some way

 

[ichwar]

lol
Edit:
I'm hunting down that promised sherlock holmes joke right now!
Edit:

Ok, here it is:


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping
trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they
were exhausted and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his
faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell
me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and
millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it
tells me that there are millions of galaxies and
potentially billions of planets."
"What else?" asked Holmes.
"Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo."
"Anything else?" Holmes persisted.
"Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three."
"What else?" asks Holmes a little impatiently.
Frustrated, Watson said, "I don't know. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then replied:

"Elementary, my dear Watson, someone has stolen our tent."

 

[zen-r]

Lol

I hope they don't get attacked by woiwky's bear.

Here's another animal;


Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
.

 

[ichwar]

Lol

I hope they don't get attacked by woiwky's bear.

Here's another animal;


Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother." The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
.

you're killing meif I can out live my laughter, I'll find another one soon:biggrin:

 

[zen-r]

If you get bored, here's another...


An old man took a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the old man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meeooww" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had just taken my word for it, the charge would have been $30, but you wanted the Lab work and the cat scan."

 

[ichwar]

nice one. :biggrin:

 

[Parsa44]

uhh, I didn't get that. was that supposed to be a joke or something???

ok, I think I have a better one:

The CEO of KFC goes to the pope one day and offers him $1 million to change the Lord's prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken' The pope refuses.
The next day, the CEO offers the pope $10 million. Again, the pope refused.
The third day, the CEO offered the pope $20 million. This time, the pope accepts.
The next day, the pope calls a meetting with all his roman catholic officals. When everyone has gathered, he says to them: "I've got good news and bad news. The good news is that we are getting a check for $20 million. The bad news is that we lost our Wonder Bread contract."

He he i guess thats moderatley funny, capitalising on the greed of humans weather business man or religious.

 

[motmotz]

funny.. all funny... ahhahaha

 

[shangyi]

Yes, you will get infinitely close to 2.0, you'll get 1.99999999999999999999999999999999999 as far as the nines can go, but you'll never actually get 2.0.

I agree, let's throw this open to the mathematicians here at x10! Does anyone agree or disagree?

Actually u can get 2 and i can prove it. Its basically simple mathematics

since:

1 + 1/2 + 1/4 + 1/8 + ....+.... This is a geometric progression.

therefore, first term, a = 1, common ratio , r = 1/2

Since we are finding the sum of infinity of a geometric progression, we use the formula:
S(inf) = a/(1-r) , for |r |<1

substitute a =1, common ratio r =1/2 into the equation above:

S(inf) = 1/(1-1/2) = 2

 

[zen-r]

Actually u can get 2 and i can prove it. Its basically simple mathematics

since:

1 + 1/2 + 1/4 + 1/8 + ....+.... This is a geometric progression.

therefore, first term, a = 1, common ratio , r = 1/2

Since we are finding the sum of infinity of a geometric progression, we use the formula:
S(inf) = a/(1-r) , for |r |<1

substitute a =1, common ratio r =1/2 into the equation above:

S(inf) = 1/(1-1/2) = 2

Nice work! I knew we must have at least one good mathematician amongst us!

Here's a joke that seems quite relevant (though perhaps not that funny);


A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.

The (hungry) mathematician is put in a comfy chair in a large empty room and his favourite meal, perfectly prepared, is placed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain seated in your chair. Every minute, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the meal."

The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to put myself through this. You know I'll never reach the food!" And he gets up and storms out .

The psychologist ushers in the physicist. He explains the same situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling :drool:.

The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach the food?"

The physicist smiles and replies: "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!" :naughty:

 

[woiwky]

The "limp dog" one was good. Unfortunately, though, I saw the ending coming for the Sherlock Holmes one, and I remembered the ending to the parrot one before I finished reading it. That was annoying

Anyway, here's an old favorite:

Back in the day, a newly wed couple take their horse buggy on the way to their honeymoon destination. About an hour into the trek the horse randomly stops to eat some grass. Eager to get on with the honeymoon the new husband calmly notes out loud, "That's 1". The wife looks at him kind of strangely but does not make much of it.

They are on their way again and about 1 hour later the horse stops, this time to smell something on the side of the road. With some frustration the husband notes, "That's 2". Once more the wife is a bit perplexed but they resume the trek. A short while later the horse again stops, this time to relieve itself.

The husband says, "That's 3", and in a huff jumps up out of the buggy, takes out a gun and shoots the horse dead on the spot. The new wife cannot believe what she just witnessed. She starts screaming at her husband "Oh my God, what have you done? Are you insane?? This is crazy! You just shot our horse, you fool!!"

The husband calmly looks at his wife and says "That's 1".

 

[ichwar]

The "limp dog" one was good. Unfortunately, though, I saw the ending coming for the Sherlock Holmes one, and I remembered the ending to the parrot one before I finished reading it. That was annoying

Anyway, here's an old favorite:

Back in the day, a newly wed couple take their horse buggy on the way to their honeymoon destination. About an hour into the trek the horse randomly stops to eat some grass. Eager to get on with the honeymoon the new husband calmly notes out loud, "That's 1". The wife looks at him kind of strangely but does not make much of it.

They are on their way again and about 1 hour later the horse stops, this time to smell something on the side of the road. With some frustration the husband notes, "That's 2". Once more the wife is a bit perplexed but they resume the trek. A short while later the horse again stops, this time to relieve itself.

The husband says, "That's 3", and in a huff jumps up out of the buggy, takes out a gun and shoots the horse dead on the spot. The new wife cannot believe what she just witnessed. She starts screaming at her husband "Oh my God, what have you done? Are you insane?? This is crazy! You just shot our horse, you fool!!"

The husband calmly looks at his wife and says "That's 1".

I don't think that's very funny.
Edit:

Actually u can get 2 and i can prove it. Its basically simple mathematics

since:

1 + 1/2 + 1/4 + 1/8 + ....+.... This is a geometric progression.

therefore, first term, a = 1, common ratio , r = 1/2

Since we are finding the sum of infinity of a geometric progression, we use the formula:
S(inf) = a/(1-r) , for |r |<1

substitute a =1, common ratio r =1/2 into the equation above:

S(inf) = 1/(1-1/2) = 2

Ummm, did you ever learn algebra?
That formula you gave proves nothing other than 1 x 2 = 2.

The formula that is used in geometric patterns is:
S = a + 0.5b

so, if a is 1 and b is 1, then S = 1 + 0.5(1) --> S = 1.5
to continue the progression, we assign the value of S to a, and half the value of b to b (I can best explain this by: a = S, and b = 0.5b)

thus a is 1.5 and b is 0.5: S = 1.5 + 0.5(0.5) --> S = 1.75

repeat: a = S, b = 0.5b
and then do S = a + 0.5b

keep repeating those two lines for infinity, and you'll get 1.999... to infinity, but you'll never get 2.0

 

[ichwar]

download and run the html page that I attached to demonstrate what I mean

notice that each number gets increasingly closer to 2 until it hits 1.9999999999999999 at which point it starts rounding up to 2, but you'll notice that it never really gets to 2.0 because then you would start seeing decimal places after the 2 as it started adding minuscule amounts to it.

 

[zen-r]

download and run the html page that I attached to demonstrate what I mean

notice that each number gets increasingly closer to 2 until it hits 1.9999999999999999 at which point it starts rounding up to 2, but you'll notice that it never really gets to 2.0 because then you would start seeing decimal places after the 2 as it started adding minuscule amounts to it.

Clever stuff! But I'm still undecided. The point is, that you would have to run the equation until infinity before the number reaches 2.0. Before then, the number will obviously be below 2.0.

So this brings us back to the question I posed earlier in the thread....Is being infinitely close to 2.0 mathematically the same as actually reaching 2.0? I suspect not (which would agree with you, ichwar).

It's a shame I can't remember any of the pretty advanced maths I studied back in my electronic engineering days (stuff like "Laplace Transforms" comes to mind) - I could probably have proven this mathematically myself if so. But I haven't really needed it since then &, as they say, "if you don't use it, you lose it!"

Not to forget the point of this thread, here's a joke;


A doctor and a lawyer were chatting at a party. However, their conversation was constantly being interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.


After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from always asking you for legal advice whilst you're out of the office?"


"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "but then I send them a bill."


The doctor was shocked, but decided to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.


When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer!

 

[Criptex]

Here's another one from me... I know is lame, but it's about computers, so... oh well...

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

 

[zen-r]

Here's another one from me... I know is lame, but it's about computers, so... oh well...

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer. When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!" He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

Not so much a joke, as probably True. Lol.

 

[shangyi]

I don't think that's very funny.
Edit:


Ummm, did you ever learn algebra?
That formula you gave proves nothing other than 1 x 2 = 2.

The formula that is used in geometric patterns is:
S = a + 0.5b

so, if a is 1 and b is 1, then S = 1 + 0.5(1) --> S = 1.5
to continue the progression, we assign the value of S to a, and half the value of b to b (I can best explain this by: a = S, and b = 0.5b)

thus a is 1.5 and b is 0.5: S = 1.5 + 0.5(0.5) --> S = 1.75

repeat: a = S, b = 0.5b
and then do S = a + 0.5b

keep repeating those two lines for infinity, and you'll get 1.999... to infinity, but you'll never get 2.0

Yes i did study algebra. I'm doing Degree in Computer Science and Computer Mathematics anyways.
i don't like the fact that u said that formula proves nothing other than 1 x 2 = 2. because it does not say 1x2 = 2

im sorry i shoould have said that it converges to 2.
the formula of sum to infinity of a geometric series is

If |r| <1 then r^n approaches to 0 as n approaches to infinity .
It follows that S(inf) approaches to a/(1-r) as n tends to infinity.

therefore S(inf) of a geometric series is S(inf) = a/(1-r) for |r|<1

Infinite geometric series converges and has the sum S(inf) = a/(1-r) if |r|<1

If you want the formulas to proof, it is as belowExtracted from wikipedia) i hope you understand what those expressions mean unless u want me to explain them

since

Then:

Therefore S(inf) = a/(1-r)

Peace.

 

[zen-r]

... i shoould have said that it converges to 2.
the formula of sum to infinity of a geometric series is...

Therefore S(inf) = a/(1-r)

Peace.

This gets better & better! But surely, "converges to 2" is not the same mathematically as "equals 2" ?

Edit: Actually, let's look at this another way. Ichwar is, in effect, taking the stance that it will never reach 2.0 because you can never reach infinity. But to go back to the original joke "An infinite crowd of mathematicians enters a bar". Therefore, for the premise of this equation, infinity does exist. And it is at this point of infinity that the number of drinks equals 2.0 pints.

In the real world, infinity might not exist, but in mathematics it can! Thus, my original joke is correct, & the barman did the right thing to serve 2 pints. Thanks shangyi for your help in getting my mind made up in this! Ichwar, any rebuttal ?!

Now another joke, this time a quote from I think Rodney Dangerfield ;


I went to the doctor and he said, "Rodney, I have some good news and some bad news."

I said, "Doc, I've had a tough day. Just give me the good news."

He said, "OK. They named a disease after you." :naughty:

 

[Criptex]

This gets better & better! But surely, "converges to 2" is not the same mathematically as "equals 2" ?

Edit: Actually, let's look at this another way. Ichwar is, in effect, taking the stance that it will never reach 2.0 because you can never reach infinity. But to go back to the original joke "An infinite crowd of mathematicians enters a bar". Therefore, for the premise of this equation, infinity does exist. And it is at this point of infinity that the number of drinks equals 2.0 pints.

In the real world, infinity might not exist, but in mathematics it can! Thus, my original joke is correct, & the barman did the right thing to serve 2 pints. Thanks shangyi for your help in getting my mind made up in this! Ichwar, any rebuttal ?!

Now another joke, this time a quote from I think Rodney Dangerfield ;


I went to the doctor and he said, "Rodney, I have some good news and some bad news."

I said, "Doc, I've had a tough day. Just give me the good news."

He said, "OK. They named a disease after you." :naughty:

Thank you for finishing with the algebra jokes, they remind me of a crazy and mean teacher that wouldn't let us go to the bathroom unless you resolve one of those confusing jokes. =S

And that's a joke, but is also true, sometimes you feel that everything that happens in that day is just baaaad.

Now my joke

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.